At some point in our lives, we all have heard Albert Einstein’s famous line of “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Well, I think I have gone “insane in the membrane as Cypress Hill would say. About a year ago now I was in crossroads of doing the right thing or keep going down the path I was on. I chose to keep on the path that I was on and looking back I should have done the right thing. Do the Right Thing has played over and over in my head. The path chosen was a very selfish path of getting and doing everything I wanted to do. Along this path, a lot of people have been hurt along the way and I mean deeply hurt. My actions put others in harm’s way after any interaction with me. My rationale was that it was my time to get mine because I had been so timid over the year.
Let me just pause here and say this: To the young lady that I hurt, I am truly sorry for my actions and I hold myself accountable for everything. I was wrong and should have been honest from the very start and string you along all that time. We will never get that time back and I am sorry for that. All I can do is ask for forgiveness from you.
You probably thinking what is he rambling on and on about. I want to say that I am an emotionally unavailable man and have been for a while. After reflecting over the past ten years, I see instances where I started to slowly pull back my emotions. I never dealt with those emotions because I buried them deep down where no one could ever get to. I have been to therapy for this exact thing and yet I never let it out in the open. My emotions are like a buried treasure chest in the abyss of the ocean floor of my heart.
This isn’t an excuse for myself. I want to help other guys recognize when they have hit the button of being unavailable. This is also something to help women learn about emotionally unavailable men in the world.
I know I have some uncovered childhood attachment issues that I haven’t dealt with. As I’ve gotten older getting emotionally attached to someone hasn’t been easy. Inside boundaries wouldn’t let someone get close to me. Keeping people an arm’s length kept me from getting hurt because I never want to be hurt again. Early in my teenage years, I went through a difficult situation that involved a young lady and the possibility of being a father at 16. Two years on and off with the young lady had my nose wide open. It was difficult when so much time and resources were invested to find out the child isn’t yours. That situation drastically messed up to the point I went on a tirade with both of my parents. What hurt more besides being cheated on was the fact that I actually named the baby boy. I don’t share this personal story as an excuse to be emotionally unavailable. This gives a background for all the relationships that happened after this. There have been similar situations where I got into relationships that had no substance. I have had some amazing relationships with some amazing women at the end of the day they all have been hurt by me. Anyone who has gotten close to me ends up suffering the most with me feeling nothing. When you get to the point where you feel nothing is a dangerous place to be.