I’ve been dealing with a silent killer for the last five months. It came in like a professional hitman and almost took me out. My silent killer was depression. I’ve been in the fight of my life most of 2017 in silence. Let me take you back to early 2017, I worked at this organization as a director for a few months. Everything was smooth like a boat on the water during a summer day. One day, I started to notice that I taking home a lot of peoples issues during their time of crisis. When you hear someone hurting whether it by financially, mentally, or physically it takes a toll on you. I could feel the stress every single day I went to work and I never took a break. Having to handle work and a personal life drained me to a point where I numb to life. On August 16, 2017 everything came to a crash landing when I was released from my employer.
The silent killer positioned his scope and set the target. In one shot my entire world came crumbling down into pieces. Looking back it was surreal and I felt like I was dreaming. I didn’t get any sleep at all that night. The first few days were like a little vacation, but it dwelled in the back of my mind. After a week, the silent killer started to affect me more and more. With my stressing increasing, my sleeping and eating decreased.
The weeks passed and I started to get back on my feet by spending time in the gym, applying for jobs, and volunteered to help one week in Houston during the flooding. Exactly one month after I lost my job. I received a phone call that changed everything. While I was volunteering at church, I kept getting phone calls from a 704 number. I didn’t pay it any attention and thought the person would have left a message. So I happened to check Facebook and I had a few messages from one of my friend’s sister. I read the message and immediately called the 704 number. My friend’s sister picked up and confirmed what I had read in my Facebook message.
My friend Ebony and her children were in a car accident the night before. Ebony and my Godson were killed in the accident. My entire body went cold and numb. I left church and went straight to the car and cried like a baby. Only a few people knew that I had a Godson and how close I was with my friend Ebony. This time the silent killer came full force. I went through the worst depression of my life. I started drinking, sleeping and crying all the time. I was numb to what was going on around me. I shut down completely from friends, family and put on a mask like everything was good. You know how we do when someone ask you how you doing? You hit them with ” I’m good” or “I’m straight”. Inside my mind and body, I was like small town hit by a massive tornado or hurricane.
The silent killer and I came to blows one night. About 3am, I exploded into a ball of anger, sadness, frustration, pain, grief. I took it all to God and asked God to grant me access to talk to my friend one more time. The next day felt better and all of a sudden a voice spoke to me. It was my friend Ebony and we talked for a few minutes. She let me know everything will be ok and that she forgave me. Instant tears came to my eyes. The reason why was that I had talked to her a few days before her death on Facebook and told her I would call her. I held myself in a prison of emotions because I felt responsible.
I was able to beat the silent killer by attending the funeral for both Ebony and my Godson. I was able to pull it together long enough to say a few words to the family. After the service, I left South Carolina and headed back to Maryland.
I was exhausted that Monday and ended up crashing. The silent killer still tries to come get me, but I keep my eyes focused on God. I’ll leave you with this: God will place people in your life in difficult times to help you make it through. When you feel like the silent killer is creeping up on you, hit me up.
Peace and Blessings